Why?
I have been asking this question to myself for the past one and a half hours. Particularly, Why Me? Why did I not get selected? A volley of emotions is raging through me right now. I feel dejected, hopeless, worthless, stupid. For the first time in months, I broke down. I am questioning my feelings, my worth.
It started with rejection. I have been rejected before but none of them hurt as bad or is as painful as this one. The one on 28th August, 2019. It was my dream. The only one for which I have been waiting for. Just like the others. The past few days were strenuous. Running around giving tests, seeing the shortlists and the final results with double-digit LPA CTC with your name featuring nowhere and getting rejected is a difficult process. Emotionally. At least for me.
I thought my test went well. I cruised through the sections. Was confident of featuring in the shortlist. Just like the others. But, today, I didn’t. I saw the names of my friends up there but not mine. With every scroll in the Excel sheet, my heart was pounding not wanting to confront the fear which I harbour every time in such situations. I am a pessimist and have no qualms about that. The list reached its end at 194. My name is not there. Checked again. And again, and again. Reality does not change just because you want it to change. Right now, before my eyes, I saw my dream shatter.
I don’t think I have cried this much since schooldays. Every second is like a shard of glass piercing my heart, draining me. I am shattered. I am right now questioning my capabilities. Maybe I am not worth this entire process. I am mediocre. Mediocrity doesn’t last long. The glass palace built around some brief moments of brilliance crumbles down. I am such a structure and I am crumbling down.
What can I possibly talk to people now? Tell them that I am getting rejected in making to a list in which almost any well-rounded person makes the cut? I am ashamed of myself. I pity, loathe and detest my own existence. Some may question this is premature, childish and that there is a time for everyone. But, for people like me, when the time arrives, it’s too late. I have faced such situations every time something big comes up in my life – my college, or my biggest win till date and now this. To be honest, I am tired of feeding on the leftovers. I have lost all motivation now to do anything. My mind is bursting from my dead hopes and eyes are watery from confronting the reality. 2 hours have passed and still, I am not able to calm myself down.
Watching people, friends get placed is a good feeling but realizing that you are not among them, kills. My door has been knocked more than 10 times since the result was announced. Didn’t open. Why? During this point, people have enough sympathy to give. What more is there to share? What words can soothe the mediocre existence of a person? None. But I don’t want any of it. Because I am done. Now, I just want to be left alone. I want to cry alone.
I deleted my WhatsApp because I don’t want to see it anymore. There is nothing worth in for me. I know, I will get more and more cynical, cranky and difficult to handle if I keep going on. I don’t know how I will face others. I don’t want anything anymore. I am tired.
I started this blog as an outlet of my emotions. At this moment, I know I haven’t made much sense to anyone. But I don’t want it to be read by anyone. This is an outburst. Words are flowing out of me in angst. Hugging my pillow and crying has led me to this. The tears have dried but a disquiet lingers.
I am an Idiot. I am Dust.
There was a song I listened to a lot in 2010. A Bangla song – আমাকে আমার মত থাকতে দাও . I won’t be translating the title. Until now, I don’t think the lyrics have resonated so much with me. For now, I will find my peace within those words.
Adios. Until…
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